growing apart //

For all the good you believe you do in the world, sometimes, by some, certain people -  they will never see any of that good.

In many cases, it could be with the people you thought were closest with you who will only see the one mistake you made rather than the 100 act's of kindness and love you have portrayed.

At this age between the teenage years and the big scary adulthood a lot of changes are being made. some, you always knew were coming, and some you never expected.

The few that you never expected can enrich your life and be a happy surprise, and other's can break your heart like you never knew possible.

In my short years I have had a lot of heartbreak's. But never the typical teenage breakup with your first boyfriend stereotypical heartbreak. I have been hurt by family members that will never leave my memory, I have felt true betrayel.

But you never expect your Forever Friends who have been through this all to wakeup one day and decide they know longer want to know you. Now, I understand people grow apart, especially after 10 years, but to NEVER want to know how the other person is doing, to never want to see an instagram post from them even, I just dont understand.

It's hard to wrap your head around the fact that a week earlier you were having sleepover's and talking about your future career's, your hopes and your fears.

It's hard to adjust to the fact that I was 'dumped' just days before I have started uni, when I tried to be such a support when it was their turn.

Sometimes, unexpected sad times can happen right when it is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. We often have to learn to mourn for a past whilst already starting to enjoy our future weve thought about non-stop for years.

I have been told between the ages of 16-mid twenties, we meet a lot of temporary people. I have lost my permanent people. I believe this is why I am feeling so anxious about all of this right now.

A good friend told me 'atleast this has happened before you start your new chapter, not right in the middle. you have a fresh start' these are the word's that come to mind when I find myself going through the memories that I will still cherish forever, despite the shock and pain.

-J xxx

P.S if you have gone through something similair with friends, please leave a comment below!

Lets talk insomnia..

A thing many teenagers encounter, but only in phases or a few month or so.

Insomnia = habitual sleeplessness; inability to sleep.

synonyms:

sleeplessness, wakefulness, restlessness; More inability to sleep;

Insomnia is something I have suffered with for years. It is an ongoing problem in my life and I think it always will be. It started for me at the age of 15 during my GCSE's. Stress must have triggered it but it happened so so fast. I would sleep for 2 hours per night and on the weekends binge sleep for about 13 hours on a friday night. It was so unhealthy. These days when Im about to go to sleep my tirednes just disapears. And I literally force myself into an uncomfortable and very zombie-like sleep where I wake up feeling restless and like Iv not slept at all. I have tried herbal treatments and pills but I never like the side effect of if they didnt completly work and you got less then 8 hours of sleep you would feel groggy and horrble all day the next day. I am so tired (no pun intended) of spending my days tired and weak and not being able to function actual thoughts properly.. today is one of those days. I am exhausted and down and feel lonely and I know the main culprit is very serious lack of normal sleep. I hope I can get this problem under control as I get older and stop letting it ruin so many of my days. Lots of love, J xxx Quote of the day: If it's both terrifying and amazing, then you should definatly persue it.

'Cliche' dreams...

Dont be afraid of your dreams being cliche. Dont be afraid of your ambitions being typical and not the most unique thing in the world.

My dreams are all linked to travelling.. I have a whole bucket list full of them. I want to see the northern lights, I want to ski in the french alps and I want oh so badly to take my sister to Disney land. I have a whole page of things such as this that I want to do before I die (and many before I have kids! - more on that in the next post), most of them being big and elaborate and what millions of other people my age want to do. S

Is that going to make me fear following through with them? No. Because at the end of the day, or my life, I will be the one with the regrets and the 'what ifs' and not those other millions of people who went with what they wanted to do instead of thinking of other peoples judgements on their lives.

I have silly things on that page too.. Like to dye my hair pink. I am a very girl-girl and I have always wanted a girly hair colour but I postponed this for YEARS when I realised it had become the trend and the very last thing 16 year old me wanted to be was sterotypical. Well to hell with that way of thinking. I fought to not be stereotypical for years and it never worked because sometimes you have to follow a trend if its what you really want. Oh, and I have since dyed my hair pink very recently.. and I love it. I feel a bit like sprinkle of glitter (shes my fave)

I WILL jump out of that plane and visit hawaiiand show off my finished and completed bucket lsit when I am old and greay and too senial to even remember ever being a part of a trend. Instead I will just be joyful that I did not surcumbe to fear but instead 'conquered' it in a way.

This world is too interested in spending so much time, money, effort and unhappines in trying to  be differemt when sometimes having common interests with others can be a good thing. A great thing. It could bring people together and heighen an experience so much by doing it with others.

This also works in the other way, if you aspire to be different then go for it. This world is yours to do what you want with it.

My best friends and I went to venice last year because it was on each of our bucket list's and now we have that ever-lasting memory for going for something that we wanted to do although many people thought it was 'weird' because most teens are going to ibiza and ayia napa at this age. That just wasnt for us.

Be happy. Be you. Always

I challned you to write bucket list of 3 things in the comments.

If you have read this far thank you. It means the world.

Lots of love, J xxx

The realisations & life lessons of a Gap Year..

As the days are turning into weeks and months of me trying to sort my university degree and fee's, the stress that I am choosing to get my 18 year old self into thousands of pounds worth of debt when im not even sure what I actually want to do with my life is slightly.. drowning. Too dramatic? maybe. But I am a worry wart. Always have been.

You see, taking a gap year means you have given youself a whole year out of the education life you have always known to think about things in your life that are not education-related at all. It is a new and amazing, freeing world. It is sucking me into all the wonders of the world and scaring me to going back to being so tied-down again.

Gap years. They teach you how to get a job, how to pay your own bills (though admittedly I dont have many), it gives you the opportunity to earn REAL money with no skill worth 9k+ a year worth in student finance loans. It gives you the chance to explore the world and who you are and what you truly wants, it makes you realise that you have always been brainwashed into thinking education is happiness. What I have learned: THERE IS SO MUCH MORE out there to be offered. There are other ways to get Big Money to get that Fancy Car and that lovely family House. There are other ways than one straight route that boxes us completly in to usually 1 job for the rest of your life.

But. I am not stupid, I know the practical and real life world education is the key to success. But it is so incredibly hard to see that when in less than 1 year I have done so much more than in 17 years before-hand, mainly that is because of the freedom of becoming an adult, but much of it is because I have had no course-work or study stress. Since July of 2014 I have been on 2 holidays (and two more coming up!), been to 2 festivals, done a backwards-caterpillar bungee jump with my most favourite people and learned how to finance myself for the first time ever aswell as having the opportunity to buy my family gifts I could never before. My job in Oxford street has enabled me to meet so many multi-cultured people from around the world and learn so much from everyone i meet there.

This gap year has truly taught me to welcome new poeple into my life instead of hiding, it has enabled me to let go of people not meant to be in my life instead of trying to force it to work. It has inspired me to start a scrap book of all things (I am the least creative person you'll ever meet) because I am just SO HAPPY at this new lease of life and freedom. My outlook has done a complete 360 in just a few months...

I have done so much thinking in this gap year that my head is actually hurting, and I am only half-way through. I am half-way through and it feels like I have done an entire life-time of learning. I have gotten into 3 universities to study a course that sounds pretty perfect for me. I have everything I want in my future education, expect the lack of motivation to follow through.

Of course I know the end result: I will go and probably spend the next few years wondering if I did the right thing. I initially regretted not going to uni last year and I dont want to feel that guilt again.

As you can probably tell, I am a very indecisive person.

I'll keep you all updated whilst I clear my head.

Lots of love, J xxx

Awkward introductions...

Introductions make me nervous. Introducing a friend to another friend makes me feel awkward, telling people my name makes me feel awkward, mainly because no-one can say it. This year I tackled this problem head-first when I got my first ever job that has over 900 colleagues mostly my age, and with my closest friends going off to uni I went in with determination to be outgoing and make my own friends outside of mutual friends.

So, Hello. You can call me J. I am a almost 19 year old London born & raised girl in my gap year. I miss coursework so much, I miss writing, I miss the tip-tap sound of typing and my brain hurting to think of that one word on the tip of your tongue. Thus is why I am creating this blog.. which is kind of a big deal to me.

What can I tell you about me? I love water, the sun, and butterflies, hence the name butterfliesandbeachesdreams - because I live in a place you only see those things 5 days out of 365. I love my home town of London, I have never wanted to move away, it truly is an amazing city. If anything though, it has turned out to be a bit of a lonely city to me. Lately I dream of living in a place like sunny california for a year or two. That would be The Dream.

I am a daughter, a loyal friend to few, a retail worker confused at the direction of Life and very very overprotective and sometimes too-loving sister. You see, I count myself as an only child as there is 15 years between my baby sister and I.

I am a soon-to-be university undergraduate currently dealing with the stress of preparing for this big life event. I currently focus about 80% of my thoughts to being a scared, lonely, nervous mess. I need to write out a few words but I didnt want them to stay in a diary, I wanted them to be out there for the chance they could relate to someone.

Let me think. Favourite books? Twilight. The fault in our stars. Typical I know.
I have an absolute addiction to films. Favourites? Far too many. Les Miserables 2012, this means war, grease 2 to name a few.

Favourite shows: Desperate housewives and prison break (scary fact: I watched all 4 seasons in 4 days before I went on holiday last.. having an addictive personality and no patience isnt a good mix!)

Favourite passtime: instagram and youtube. I love them!

Now let me not bore you. Please if you have any questions just comment and be sure to keep up to date with me! I will be happy to follow your blog if you comment down below.

I hope this wasnt too much of an Awkward introduction, I just like to know every detail of someone when I meet them (addictive personality problems!)

Lots of love and sunny kisses, J xxx

P.S please give me any tips of how to use blogspot if you can!